There are things in this world that are so bad, they’re actually good. Things like Captain Planet, dad jokes, and Nicholas Cage fall comfortably into this category. However, sometimes things are just so bad they should be avoided at all cost, if you value the purity of your mind. The movies in this post are among them.
Fantastic Pest Control Melbourne has dug deep into the metaphorical pits of superficial mediocrity in order to find the worst films this talentless world of has to offer. People usually look for horror movies in October. Please, stay away from these! We present the top 10 worst pest-related movies in history!
Note: we’re not even going to bother with a “spoiler alert”. Everything in this list has been spoiled since the day they started shooting. We are giving you another warning, though – incomprehensive stupidity below. Be advised!
10. Mansquito (2005)
IMDB Rating: 3.3
As a pest control company, we appreciate pests in movies. We also appreciate puns. But this? This is beyond stupid. How this movie was made (with an estimated budget of $5,000,000, might we add) and moreover – how it takes itself so seriously, we’ll never know.
The plot rips off The Fly (1986) in some abhorrent ways. Once again we’re dealing with an insect-human hybrid, but part of the chimera is a mosquito instead of a fly. This whole mess starts because a criminal named Ray Erikson exchanges his life sentence for taking part in an experiment with the aim of abolishing a deadly virus. Like this is something we haven’t seen in every movie, ever…
Anyway, as usual in such absurd scenarios, things go terribly wrong. The inmate somehow gets free and is illuminated by the genius idea to get inside the room full of deadly, irradiated, disease-ridden mosquitoes, taking a hostage with him. Then Dr. Jennifer Allen (head of the project) and he are bitten by the radioactive, genetically-modified mosquitoes, causing them to start turning into human-mosquito hybrids. Then nothing of worth happens, they die, and the movie ends on a positive note. What else can you expect from a SyFy production? The director Tibor Takács gave us other masterpieces, like Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996) and Ice Spiders (2007). We’re just going to leave this information here.
9. Infested (2002)
IMDB Rating: 2.9
Rarely has a B-movie (or in this case, a bug movie) made us angry, but Infested manages to really grind our gears. The brainless plot, poorly thought-out dialogue, mind-numbingly boring kill scenes, insufferable one-dimensional characters, and horrendous visual effects make for a viewing experience so terrible even a cinematic masochist wouldn’t be able to withstand it.
The plot is simple – a bunch of childhood mates head back to their hometown because a member of their group died. Here we meet the characters, who are blatantly archetypal and completely flat (even by B-movie standards).
Things kick off when it turns out a swarm of mutant flies have infested their favourite vacation home. And the characters start dying. And it’s all the work of a mad scientist or something. The script is not very coherent, in all honesty. What matters is the fact that this movie should’ve been locked away in a dark room, key thrown away, and building demolished to the ground and buried under a volcanic eruption. Whoever released it to the public shall one day answer for his crimes!
8. Arachnoquake (2012)
IMDB Rating: 2.8
Have you ever wondered what happened to the kid who played John Connor in Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)? Yeah, we haven’t, either. But it turns out he stars in despicable bug movies with 16-bit graphics and D-rate acting now.
Everything about this movie is terrible. It doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it a disaster movie? Is it a bug movie? Is it a horror movie? A (probably unintentional) comedy? It’s hard to say, because Arachnoquake does everything equally bad.
The premise is simple – an earthquake somehow wakes up a colony of fire-breathing, low resolution, computer generated, giant spiders that start terrorising New Orleans. There are three so-called plot-lines that develop in the meantime. None of which are even remotely interesting. Everything revolves around a tour guide, his dad, and a bus driver. This is like the beginning of a bad joke. Even the Super Mario Bros. (1993) movie cringes at the sight of this pile of unrefined waste.
7. The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
IMDB Rating: 2.8
“There has never been a film like this before.” Oh my, trailer guy – you have no idea how right you are. This piece of unmitigated rubbish was released two years before “A New Hope” (1977), so don’t give us the “it’s because the movie is old” argument. So is Star Wars, but it revolutionised modern cinema forever! Even its own sequels are ripping it off. This? This is a low-budget mess. It’s a cautionary tale.
Note: we’re NOT comparing the two movies and we realise Star Wars had a much bigger budget. What we’re arguing is that this movie’s effects are not just “sign of the times” but sloppy work.
The plot was probably drafted during someone’s lunch break. A bunch of giant alien spiders from another dimension fall to Earth and start terrorising the small Wisconsin town of Merrill. There’s also some so-called “subplots” going on, but they’re equally ridiculous and even more boring (somehow). The invasion is stopped in the most asinine way possible – the gateway to the invaders’ dimension is closed, so they’re left here stranded, without energy to support their life functions and turn into gooey puddles of disappointment and artistic regret.
The acting (if we can be generous enough to call it that) is atrocious. Good lines of dialogue actually do not exist. We’re pretty sure this movie was made on a dare. Or a double dare.
6. Mesa of Lost Women (1953)
IMDB Rating: 2.5
No one has ever said that a bug movie has to be scientifically accurate. Very few movies are. However, even science fiction has to abide to some rules. This one doesn’t. The premise doesn’t make any sense. The execution is awkward. The actors must be great poker players, because in most scenes their faces are completely stiff. The movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities.
The plot revolves around a mad scientist (as these failed attempts at cinema usually do), Dr. Aranya, who decides to create a new race of superhumans, or a new species of human-sized super hexapods. We’re not entirely sure. However, he does manage to bring a woman with the instincts of a tarantula (called Tarantella) into being. He also develops a human-sized tarantula for good measure. Male experiments have been far less successful, turning men into disfigured dwarves.
All of this is seen by a brilliant scientist, Leland Masterson, who completely denounces it (probably because it makes less sense than pressing the buttons of the remote control harder when the batteries are dead and expecting it to work). It’s a bad move to challenge a villainous scientist in his own home, because apparently he’s got the mad skills to turn you into a bumbling moron. This is a lesson Leland had to learn the hard way.
After he’s returned in civilisation, he’s thrown into an insane asylum, from which he later escapes and meets an unlikely group of stereotypical characters, enabling him to return to the mesa of the generic evil genius guy and stop him. Of course, all of this happens thanks to a plane sabotage, otherwise they never would’ve ended up where the plot demanded them to go in the first place.
Long story short, the two main characters Grant Phillips and Doreen Culbertson escape, while the laboratory of the lunatic doctor is destroyed, along with all of the creations. Except one. How cute is it they thought there was going to be a sequel? Even telling the story through flashbacks doesn’t save this ludicrous mess.
5. Horrors of Spider Island aka Body in the Web (1960)
IMDB Rating: 2.4
There’s not much to say about this poor excuse of a movie. Coming out the same year as Psycho (1960), it highlights the colossal difference between German and American schools of horror thought at the time. Then again, Germans didn’t have Hitchcock, so we can forgive them to some extent. But this piece of uncreative, doggerel garbage is unforgivable!
Let’s start with the plot. Basically, there isn’t any. An airplane crashes on a lonely island. The passengers survive the sudden date with gravity. All eight of them – seven women and a man. This sounds like the beginning of another type of movie. The acting and dialogue are not far from it, either. In fact, the English dub is so torturous, it’s actually better to watch the movie in German even if you don’t speak a word of it. This way you won’t have to bother listening to the terrible line exchanges.
The island, as it turns out, is inhabited by a mutant spider, which the main character, Joe, kills, but not before the spider bites him. So now Joe turns into a spider version of The Wolf Man (1941) (there’s even a physical resemblance). The half-spider, half-man creature has a weird strangling fetish, so it starts killing the women. The movie is cringe-worthy through and through. We’re pretty sure it has the power to physically wipe out neurons.
4. Camel Spiders (2011)
IMDB Rating: 2.4
Camel Spiders has everything a laughably bad movie needs – stupid plot, poor acting, appalling dialogue, abominable editing, endless ammunition, and sickening special effects. Only there’s nothing to laugh about. This film will make you fall into a coma of boredom.
The story revolves around an actual arachnid species called “camel spiders”. When an American soldier is killed in Iraq and returned back home, two camel spiders also make the trip in his coffin. The movie might have been more interesting if the spiders were just buried with him, but no – a car accident releases them into the world. Fast forward and from two small spiders, we suddenly have thousands, ranging from the size of a coffee cup to the size of a coffee table. People try to fight off the infestation, but that should be literally impossible with the spiders’ reproduction rate. And also the fact that half the time people don’t even shoot in the direction of the spiders. We’re holding the director of this mess fully responsible. None of this makes any sense.
We’re not even going to talk about character chemistry (or lack thereof). Character development is apparently a foreign concept for the “writers” of this piece of fermented garbage. Not to mention we’ve literally seen better acting in school plays (and we all know how bad those are; come on – let’s be honest here).
3. Snakes on a Train (2006)
IMDB Rating: 2.3
Not to be confused with the 2006 cinematic masterpiece (compared to this, anyway) – Snakes on a Plane. No matter how bad Snakes on a Plane was, it did have some redeeming qualities. This piece of junk does not.
The premise of this mockbuster is similar to that of Snakes on a Plane. We have a bunch of deadly reptiles locked in a fast-moving, tight-spaced means of transportation. Snakes get loose and start killing a bunch of people. Here the similarities end.
The reason the snakes are on the train in this worthless bucket of talentless scum is because a woman is cursed and the snakes came out of her, eating their way out. Now she has to transport them to Los Angeles where a shaman can lift the curse and make her whole again (because the snakes are a part of her or some such nonsense). In the end, she turns into a giant snake and swallows the whole train (because why not) and one of the surviving passengers casts some kind of spell to make her disappear (because who cares at this point). Just when you think it can hardly get any worse…
The writer (we assume) decided he was tired of working on unwatchable snoozefests, so he wanted to show the world his vibrant creativity. What a mental gas leak on his part. Don’t do drugs, kids.
2. Tail Sting (2001)
IMDB Rating: 1.9
You know a movie is bad when the “science guys” call scorpions “insects” in the trailer. This is a minor technicality if you don’t know the first thing about arachnids, but it shows the low level of research and commitment to this failed project.
The plot kicks off when hijackers attempt to steal a van transporting genetically modified scorpions from the facility they were created at to a Melbourne airport. The hijack attempt fails because of a security guard named Fred (yeah, we’re not making this up) and the science geeks proceed with their “brilliant” plan to transport the highly dangerous scorpions via a passenger plane. Thankfully, the flight is cancelled. Like this movie should’ve been. Sadly, there’s a charter plane they decide to use instead.
Turns out the hijack attempt was an inside job orchestrated by one of the scientists, Scott Millhouse. When he makes another attempt to steal some specimens, he’s discovered by Fred, whom he kills. However, some scorpions get free on the plane and suddenly become huge because they have been cloned using DNA from, and we’re quoting the technical terms used in the movie here – “loads of things”. What comes next are some of the most laughably failed attempts to copy Alien (1979), and the most abysmally overacted death scenes we’ve ever seen. Then some stuff happens, scorpions fly out of the plane because Millhouse is insane, they kill the scorpion queen, and they lived happily ever after. Everything is so rushed. Seriously, this movie makes no sense.
1. Birdemic (2010)
IMDB Rating: 1.8
This is the worst pest-themed movie we’ve ever seen! This heap of infectious garbage is so bad, it makes Sharknado (2013) (and everything else on this list) seem like a masterpiece. It’s like they were trying on purpose to create the worst movie ever. The funny part is they don’t seem to admit it in any way, shape or form. All interviews we’ve seen have been sincere. How this is possible is simply baffling.
Let’s start with the acting. It’s so wooden, it makes Pinocchio look like a real boy (you know, before he actually turned into a real boy). This is the worst acting we’ve ever seen in a movie, ever. Period!
The “special” effects are so painfully godawful, it almost caused our eyes to start bleeding. The only reason we sat through to the end of this misunderstanding of a movie was so we could write this post.
The plot is basically non-existent. A third-grader bashing a keyboard with a hammer would write better dialogue. And the screenplay would probably have more coherent structure. Oh, and speaking of third-graders – a third-grader would do better job directing this. James Nguyen should never ever be allowed near a camera again. Ever! We’ve done our civic duty. You have been warned!